Babysitting, bitching, and me, the Christmas Scrooge

To supplement income I've been doing some babysitting.. I promise I'm not 12, I'm actually a real 24 yr. old woman! One of my former colleagues now turned Sociology professor, needed a babysitter two days a week, and I said yes.  For one thing, she's a great lady, for two I'm pretty ok at dealing with kiddos, and when we discussed payment, she was willing to pay me way to much, which I poo-pooed (yes I said that) and gave her my "homies rate" i.e. we're friends and I'm not charging you full price.  Even with the homie rate, it still doubles my monthly income from the university (HOLLA!)  So, for two days a week, it's me, a 4 almost 5 year old and twin 3 year olds (all boys).  It's pretty great... N, the 4 yr. old is AMAZING and so smart.. I asked him what his toy was (it was a train) and he responds "Well, first it's an object.  Secondly, it is a train".  KID IS BOSS. Don't even get me started on the twins, Oc and On.. I'm done gushing.. but god these kids are amazing.  Watching these kids helps me feel human and, it reminds me that hey, someone does love me, and I didn't have to do anything aside from cut a pdj into fourths and build a few Lincoln Log houses.  




SO bitching, bitch,bitch,bitch,bitch.  I feel like I could go on for days... about what you might ask?  Graduate school, colleagues, life in general, the rut I've been, etc.  I find myself sometimes wanting to say "I hate my life/my life sucks" But, it reality doesn't.  For one thing, in the grand scheme of things, my life is hardly a bleep on the preverbal sonar.  Secondly, my life doesn't suck: I go to grad school... for free.  I don't have children, I don't have a spouse, I live by myself, I can do what I want.. I can sit in my house in my disgustingly ancient flannel pants and no one has to know.  That is not a sucky life.  What sucks, is my mindset.  Graduate school makes me feel like a terrible person.  The people I work with make me feel like a terrible person.  I'm sick of being around people who can't listen, who HAVE to interrupt people, who have to always be right - whats making me terrible is how grumpy all of this b.s. makes me.  I just want to get through this, as unscathed as possible!  Can't we all just work together towards the common goal of all of us getting out fairly unscathed with diplomas?  All I can say is, thank whomever for my non-Auburn friends, and for folks here like S, St, C, and W.  Thank the lord I have those people for coffee dates, beer drinking, pizza making, mischief having, etc.  


I wouldn't give up this experience, but it has made me realize, that at this point in time.. I don't want my PhD anymore.  I want to help people, and at this time, I don't feel like a PhD will get me there.  Also, I need to get out of the fish bowl of academia I need a job, and to feel like a normal person.  I need to help people, and it's not happening here.  (Esp. not to the extent that I'd like)


AND FINALLY:  Scrooge and I are siblings... did you know that?  Well not really.  I just don't like Christmas.  In my younger days, once my brother graduated high school and got a girlfriend (we Flood kids are late bloomers...not crazy people... some people would argue that..) my mom suddenly threw all Christmas traditions out the window (not that we had any concrete ones..).  Around this time, my dad also started working as a 911 dispatcher.. so suddenly, our Christmas morning schedule of getting up early, baking stuff together and opening presents was non-existent.  Suddenly our family Christmas was happening on any day at any time and 9 times out of 10 there was some woman that I hardly knew up in my brother's grill while we're trying to have Christmas.  And ever since this time.. Christmas and I have had a love/hate relationship.  Petty? - yes.  Do I care? - very little. 


My childhood was strange, much like everyone else's'.  I didn't really have any grandparents and had held on to those atypical American nuclear family fantasies of loving/doting grandparents and wonderful family traditions... and as a kid those slowly got pulled apart - one of my grandmas never knew I existed, in fact, she scared the bejesus out of me because of the stage of dementia she was in (bless her soul) when I started remembering her- it wasn't her fault, and I was too young to understand.  My other grandma.. well my brother and I thought she'd fill that void... that is, until she started skipping birthdays and holidays with us... it kind of crushed our enjoyment of holidays..and I suppose made us susceptible to little things (such as what I said above) ruining things for us.  


Anyways, little Jamie grew up, and stopped hating Christmas so much.. I was always weary of it, but I got over our rocky relationship.  Then my dad passed away and Christmases have just been, strange since then.  Someone's missing (obviously) and I feel like at Christmas, and on my dad's birthday we especially feel it. So, I kind of hate Christmas.  I don't listen to Christmas music.. I turn it off when it comes on the radio.  I don't decorate my house, I don't decorate my mom's house (I do put up and decorate a tree for her though) and just spend much of December preparing myself for the worst (it never happens, of course.. I'm just being overly dramatic).  The only redeeming thing about Christmas, in my mind, is gift giving.  I have a really hard time letting people know how I feel about them... and Christmas and Birthdays are the Jam because then I try to express that with written words in cards, and a nice gift.  And by nice, I don't mean expensive.  I love giving gifts because I agonize over it... I try and be sneaky and figure out something they want and try to fulfill that desire.. or I make them something.  Gift giving is just my damn favorite part of Christmas. 


And one of the (few) things I'm looking forward to this year, is hearing from my friend when he finally gets his package (a conglomeration of last year's xmas gift, his birthday gift, and this year's xmas.. hey, shipping overseas is expensive.).  This year, I have made him a scarf, and a fiber art piece out of embroidery and wax crayon (sounds weird, but it's sweet in my opinion) I also have him a crap ton of beef jerky and cinnamon gummy bears (they don't have them in GER).  And finally, I found a book that's a copy of Jack Kerouac's original scroll that he wrote "On the Road" on.  (The original scroll is much more "adult" and promiscuous and crazy than what was actually published AND the names of the characters on the scroll, are his actual Beat Generation buddies and the Scroll uses their original names) I'm SUPER EXCITED.  I'm also making my brother a blanket and a dog bed for my 'niece" (whom has four legs and is furry) and yeah.  This is the part of Christmas I get excited for.. making crap for people!




So, few blog readers, I hope y'all have a wonderful Christmas.. and I really hope you love/look forward to Christmas more than I do.  And if this whole thing makes you want to slap me, please feel free!  Happy Holidays pals.

The adventure of No More Facebook

I never finished my post about leaving Facebook... so here it is... Too bad I've already made it back.

So, I got rid of Facebook for about 3 months.  My reasons were simple: one, my boss asked us to get rid of our facebooks (for professional purposes... I was the only one that did it) two, there were a lot of people who I didn't want on my Facebook anymore... and I honestly felt like the best way to get rid of them was to just delete the whole thing and hide myself better if I came back.

Well, it was great and it lasted about three months.  It also made all my office mates spend a week considering deleting it as well... I don't know why?

I really loved not having it... I dont know why?  It was nice being THAT disconnected and not having to read depressing posts and statuses.  But as the months wore on.. and grad school weared me down.. I slowly felt more and more isolated and lonely without it - especially on the weekends.

So, I went back and created a new profile (I was gone long enough that my old one was permanently deleted).  And so far, it's been good.  I have 80 friends, all of which have been carefully screened (I wish.).  Facebook is great, but I sincerely hope, that when I'm in a better place (esp. mentally) I hope I can go back off the facebooks.  But who knows... maybe I'll keep it... I do love stirring up trouble.

Thanks for the memories, TSA

That's right - I got legally molested today on my way to Boise.  (Sorry for the over-dramatization... I just think saying it that way is funny.) 


I will admit, getting that up close and personal with someone I don't know was just as awkward as I imagined.  And as someone who is made nervous by physical contact it was worse, and it felt humiliating.  It was in front of every single other person in the security check point and I only hope that the other people felt like you did in the shower after gym - avert your eyes and carry on!

This of course lead me to my first thoughts - when she called someone to search me, she called for a woman (of course, as I would have preferred.)  But what about someone who would feel uncomfortable with that?  Or what about someone who identifies and portrays their gender different from me?  What do they do when they encounter someone who they aren't 100% sure if they're male or female?  What if you don't identify as male or female? 

If anyone knows, let me know!

I'm still kind of shocked that it happened... as someone who hates being touched by people I barely know.. I just feel really uncomfortable now.  On my return flight I will be taking my glasses off, wearing a non-underwire bra, wearing pants that don't have a button and taking my glasses off in hopes that it won't happen again. 

I'll post an update from Boise - hopefully it's nice there!

Changing it up

So, I decided to retool my blog - it didn't have many posts before, so I just deleted them all... yay for me?

This will be filled with rants, observations, travels, and life - yay.